THROWBACK THURSDAY: MUSING ON THE ALCHEMY OF LOVE

Happy Thursday and 12-12 portal day beautiful souls!

I hope you enjoy this week's "Throwback Thursday" piece. We are inching ever closer to the Gemini Full Moon this Sunday the 15th. This is "The Lovers" moon - like the major arcana card of Gemini in the tarot. As such, there is a lot of love - and alignments for higher love - that cling to the air of this full moon every Sagittarius season.

I will of course be sharing my breakdown of these full moon energies with you on my "Solarah Rises" YouTube channel over the weekend, and will be writing about it here too.

In the meantime, please enjoy today's piece, that I have pulled from the Substack archives as a precursor.

Sending you all much love and gratitude for all that you are!

Solarah

I have learned that “love” doesn’t hurt. What I do know is that “love” may need a better PR or branding representative, or even a lawyer at this point….because what so many of us have been told is “love” may very well be its imposter.

It’s not love that hurts. Love feels amazing. Love gives us the strength to do what we once thought to be impossible. Love liberates us to fly.

Whenever “love” has hurt me, it has almost always been because I held on past the point of expiration to something which had already passed or transformed.

In a world, where we have been made to feel so insecure within ourselves, we are constantly searching for external anchors of stability. But love isn’t something that can be held onto and anchored into submission. Love is dedicated to our evolution, and all evolution requires movement and change.

Our consumerist consciousness - which has been birthed and fed by way of a constant stream of narratives that profess we are not “enough” - has taught us to hold onto everything and everyone like possessions we can’t stand to lose. We have all been programmed into varying states and degrees of lack, where constant fear of loss is what drives us to hold on past the point of expiration.

We are a people who have lost the art of enjoyment in the moment, and of simply letting things be as they are….until they aren’t. We’ve been fed a lie that to be this way is fickle or irresponsible. We get attached to having things a certain way, and don’t want to let go of that attachment once things begin to change. We make routines and schedules that are designed to make us feel secure in our outer realities, because of the level of discord within.

We have also been shamed out of our ability to enjoy being alone by various social narratives that tell us there’s something wrong with us if we don’t have another, or others, validating our beauty and “worthiness” of being loved.

But love isn’t a social experiment.

It is a deeply intimate experience where we get to taste heaven in self, or another being, in real and tangible ways.

Love is not to be wasted, and it is not to just be given to anyone. Not all are able to handle or respect the value of the love we give, and we are also not equipped to love everyone in the way they deserve to be loved.

At the crux of the matrix’ karmic cycles lies this issue of grand inclusion when it comes to love. And it’s a lesson we will keep learning by way of heartbreak until we truly get what our mission is….as far as love is concerned.

I love everyone and everything, but I don’t invest my love anymore in just anyone.

In this grand spotlight that spirituality is now under - since the matrix realised that it could profit grandly off of people’s desire for self-harmony - is this myth that has been perpetuated that we are to “love” everyone in the same way…..that unconditional love has no standard.

As a being who has gone through my fair share of abuse, by people who loved to throw around philosophies like this in order to bypass and get away with their own heinous inability to love themselves (let alone others), I now know much of this to not be true.

One of the most “loving” things I’ve ever done - and continue to do - is to walk away from people who I am not equipped to love properly. It is a complete fallacy that we can love everyone in a way that satisfies their soul. And because energy works like an infinity loop - if we are unable to love another in ways that bring glory to the fullness of who they are, then they are unable to truly do that for us too.

We can love everyone in theory. We can have profound respect and reverence for who they are as fellow “God” particles, but we were not sent to invest our love in all beings equally. Our efforts to do so will often mask some manner of co-dependency based upon programming that has deeper roots in people pleasing tendencies than actual love.

There are some that are best loved by us from a distance. In fact, there are some who we are only able to love in ways that aren’t detrimental to them, and us, if we love them in spirit from another building, city, country or continent. That’s just the truth.

And what of all this talk of “oneness,” you might ask? How can you say that when everyone is you and your reflection?

And to that, my reply is: I love every version of my self, but I have gladly watched some versions of the “old me” die, and even instigated these deaths. To resuscitate and entertain those old versions of self, would bring wrongful death to “the me” I’ve become, because of all I fought to heal from.

I love that old, suicidal, confused 19 year old version of me, who was so lost and alone in the world, that daydreams of death was all that could get her through a day. I adore her. I hug her. I see her. And I carry her with me always. I live more beautifully now in homage to all the ways she couldn’t.

However, to invite her back into all I’ve overcome in twenty years, would not only be suicide to me now, but it would also bring harm to her hopes of recovery. So, I love her - a whole part of me - from a distance. I also love from a distance those who won’t let me move on from those harrowing chapters of my young adult life.

I think the main reason “love” hurts us is because we’ve been programmed to fear death and endings.

Our world has lost its reverence for natural seasons, and so we too have lost our power to both create and destroy in accordance with what keeps true principles of love alive and flowing. Because we live in time and space, all good things must come to an end, or point of transformation - including the expressions of love we share with others.

If we don’t learn to let go, if we don’t stop trying to love everyone and everything past the point of possibility and expiration, we continue to break our own hearts.

And the irony of this is that we do it because we don’t love ourselves enough, and we then find ourselves caught up in situations, or with people, who are exactly there to drive this point home.

Because if we truly are love, then every person we share ourselves with is only a reflection of whether we are loving ourselves well….or not.

If you were to ask me about the moment that I felt the “love” die in an intimate relationship - platonic or romantic- that later “failed,” I could answer that question with ease. If that question was followed up by asking me when I actually broke the relationship off, it was often not close to the time when I received that initial revelation.

Why is that? Because many of us have been taught that it is an act of “loyalty” to hold onto people and situations until enough conflict arises, and our differences become irreconcilable. It may not be something we are consciously aware of, and yet for many of us, it is part of our unconscious programming.

Many of us don’t believe that an intuitive nudge is enough to end a relationship. We have a need to see the destruction played out before our very eyes….and then we walk away knowing that we “gave it our all.” That was me at least.

For some of us, our own sensitivity to rejection has us holding on out of the fear of doing the same to another. We strangely have more “compassion” for another’s suffering than for our own, which is often again another trauma response from a childhood where we felt responsible to minimise the suffering of a caregiver.

There are so many ways we have been wrongfully taught to “love.”

We all love to love. We all love to be loved, but many of us have forgotten how.

And it’s not our fault that we forgot, but if we want to stop living in perpetual cycles of heartbreak, we must learn to re-member.

The word “remember” literally means to put the pieces back together as they were. When we come back into union with the wholeness of self - when we put ourselves back together again into the fullness of who we actually are devinely - we become love again.

When we live in this truth, the boundaries we set around ourselves actually become higher. We have re-membered now that we are sacred. We have re-membered that we are love.

I believe love is a devine mission and purpose, that can only be properly carried out by those who are serious enough to rediscover it in themselves. And I do believe we all have an inherent right to love and be loved - this is what we came here to experience in corporeal form.

However, I also know that until we commit to wholly loving self - until we take back that love for self that has been stolen by these systems and narratives that have tried to keep us in states of inner war to profit off of our pain - we’re not equipped to give or receive love in its true and highest expression, because we’re not being and embodying it.

All we end up doing, is pushing around distortions and broken pieces of ourselves, that get more shattered with every heartbreak and wrongful attempt at engaging in a practice that we haven’t first excelled at with self.

And this is not to say that we must become perfect to become eligible for this beautiful gift and mission - our quest for perfection is what adds to our suffering. But it does mean that we do ourselves, and others, a grave injustice when we ask for them to give to us, that which we don’t know how to first give to self.

It is brave to acknowledge this truth in a world, that wants to shame us for not having true love, but never wants to show us its true door and access point.

It is brave to acknowledge this in a world, where more are afraid of being alone than they are of missing the opportunity to experience love in all its true glory.

It is brave to acknowedge this in a world, where varying forms of codependency have passed as “love,” and many would prefer to be with someone until “death do them part” because it shows character and “longevity.”

However, we are creatures who were sent here to evolve, and real love is always dedicated to our evolution. Evolution and ascension both require constant change and elevation. And some just don’t want to go as far as you, or in the same direction.

At this point “love” lets the other go, but many aren’t brave enough to do this - not for themselves, and not for the love and evolution of the other person.

Knowing when to walk away is a highly important and underrated skill that, when used with tact and discernment, can truly curb months, years, and even decades of disappointment, heartache, and wasted time.

When we learn how to love and honor ourselves, we know when to walk away - from the friend, from the lover, from the family, from the job, and from that part of ourselves that ever tolerated any kind of devaluation.

And this is when we access love. The door has always been in and through us - not others. When we stop hurting self, we quit entertaining others that hurt us so brazenly too. When we learn to truly love and value ourselves, we realise that the worst person we could lose in a breakup is us.

And when we learn these truths, we’re no longer afraid to walk alone. And when we’re no longer afraid to walk alone, we’ve opened a new door, and we are actually ready for true love with another.

It is an act of love to know when to walk away, stop, or turn around before we damage love’s true reputation.

Love is not here to hurt us. It is here to be reverenced in the sacredness of what it is. It is here to teach us how to first reverence ourselves so we are able to do it justice once we share it with another.

Love is a deeply intimate experience where we get to taste heaven in self first, and then invite others along….who are worthy of partaking in our delightful smorgasboard.

Asé

Originally published December 15th, 2023